By Christopher “Flood the Drummer®” Norris
4.1.15: Global – (Satire): After conducting a survey and learning that nearly 90 percent of his members walk to church every Sunday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday for service, Pastor Alaboot Mone took the excess dollars he had from his controversial fundraising campaign to start a sneaker line that will “provide church-goers an unprecedented level of comfortable as they travel to and from the House of God.”
Mr. Mone, who’s always seeking opportunities to “build wealth for the Kingdom,” says that the launch of Water Walkers – the name meant to remind parishioners of both the importance of faith and that miracles are possible – will enable his ministry to have a “full-body impact.”
“My words will soothe their soul and my sneaker line will support their sole,” says the Canadian-born televangelist who in 2014 signed a lucrative deal with flavored communion wafer manufacturer, Jeez-Its.
Because of his lavish lifestyle and worldwide fame, Mr. Mone has attracted plenty of critics, none more vocal, however, than the Chairman of Atheists against Parishioner Exploitation.
Mr. Owont Belieb, who started the watchdog group in 1997, has written extensively about Mr. Mone’s antics on his blog “Thieves on the Throne.”
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When he heard about the launch of Water Walkers, Mr. Belieb reached out to TABOO™ and asked us to relay this message:
“For years, our organization has watched this charismatic con-artist envoke emotion to suck resources and money out of communities. Mr. Mone, who’s worth more than $1 billion, should have looked at the results of his survey and purchased buses, so that his members don’t have to walk at all. But instead, his greed and capitalistic mentality has inspired another venture and this time he’s gone too far. As a result of his behavior, we have enlisted the services of Canadian hackers, Nameless, to cripple his media network and silence his voice once and for all.”
Public records show that Mr. Mone earns, on average, $56 million a year from his media network, which broadcasts all his sermons, including a sponsored segment called “Church Crunch,” a communion wafer eating contest.
Mr. Mone, when asked for comment about the threat from the AAPE and Nameless, was short with his words, saying only the greatest leaders in history have all received threats, and that the “haters should prove that he’s the real deal and that he is truly being used by a higher power.”
Water Walkers will begin selling on Good Friday.
*This didn’t really happen, but it could, right?*
Thanks for reading. Until next time, I’m Flood the Drummer® & I’m Drumming for JUSTICE!™
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