By Christopher “Flood the Drummer®” Norris
3.13.15: Global – (Satire): Canadian televangelist, Mr. Alaboot Mone, who made our headlines last month when he received a call from God on his cellphone during the 42nd Annual Blind Faith Pep Rally, announced today that he has launched a Kickstarter account with a goal of raising $1 Billion for a “closer walk with god.”
Known for his savvy, yet aggressive fundraising style, Mr. Mone – just twenty-four hours after news broke about Pastor Creflo Dollar’s effort to raise funds to buy a new jet – tells TABOO exclusively that his latest campaign, which so far has raised $666.00, is the most significant to-date, because “it will allow for a human being to encounter God in a way that’s unprecedented.”
It would seem that having God hit up your mobile phone would be pretty unprecedented, but for Mr. Mone, who says that he and God regularly communicate on the mainline, a closer walk with God will answer some of humanity’s greatest inquiries.
“I want to really get to know God, beyond all the pomp and circumstances and smokes and mirrors,” says Mr. Mone, as he smacks away on a big bag of Church House Cheddar Jeez-Its, the brand of flavored communion wafers that he endorses.
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“Everybody knows that God hates envy, jealously, feet quick to run to quarrels and all the other deadly sins. But they don’t his favorite food, what television shows he watches or which character from Sex and the City he most relates to. This closer walk with God will allow me to answer these pressing questions and more.”
Mr. Mone confirmed that Jeez-Its, from its R&D budget, will donate $1.5 million to the campaign.
“It’ll be a great return on investment for them. They’ve been working on a new line of snacks, and if they can find out what God likes to eat, I’m sure their new product lines will be blessed and highly flavored.”
Corporate partners rumored to be signing on to this campaign soon include FirstLadies.com, a social networking site for pastor’s wives; Bible Belts and More, a men’s wear company; and Faith on Tap, a national brewery known for his line of Drunk Disciples drinks.
When asked about potential backlash from those who perceive this campaign to be an elaborate con, the televangelist said:
“If rich businessmen can collect dollars to arrange trips to the moon, why shouldn’t I be able to collect dollars to meet the creator of the moon?”
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