By Christopher “Flood the Drummer®” Norris
1.19.15: National – (Religion): It was standing room only at the First Baptist Church of One Lord and Four Offerings in South Philadelphia.
The larger than usual crowd was attributed to the highly promoted appearance of Canadian televangelist, Mr. Alaboot Mone, who was the guest speaker for the 42nd anniversary Blind Faith Relay Games Pep Rally, sponsored by Jeez-Its, flavored communions wafer which boost being the “first choice of church-goers worldwide.”
The men of clergy in attendance were suited and booted and their first ladies were painted, laced, tucked and filled with the holy goose – V.I.Ps drank Grey Goose while they ate the baked chicken, rice, string beans and dinners rolls served before the event.
The emcee, Pastor Bigher Offering, made sure to mention that while this was a celebratory event and not a service, reverence should still be shown for the sanctuary which everyone is seated in, thus the “rules of no eating and talking on the phone will be strictly enforced by the deacons.”
Next on the agenda was the moment of silence meant to honor former church members who were disbarred due their inability to tithe consistently.
As we entered into second one of the 3 minute and 16 second silent tribute, the Canadian national anthem begins to play… it was a ringtone… and it was coming from the pocket of Mr. Mone, who was seated on the front pew, with clergy.
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All eyes were now on the out-of-town celebrity to see how he would handle the embarrassment. Without looking at anyone in particular, Mr. Mone answered his phone.
“Bonjour,” he said, not attempting to whisper.
For nearly two minutes, Mr. Mone nodded, grinned said yes while his caller appeared to share good news.
Mr. Mone, however was the only one smiling; the audience and his peers were frowning and mumbling under their breath.
After finally hanging up, the guest speaker brushes pass Pastor Offering and stood behind the podium to pronounce he had received a “word from The Lord.”
“You never know when God will speak… When he calls your name you got to answer,” he shouted, immediately winning the crowd – and Pastor Offering – back to his side. “In case you were wondering, that was the creator on the phone and he told me to tell everyone in here that whatever you’ve been praying for, it shall come to pass if you believe and sow into fertile soil. This church… this event is fertile soil… reach into your pocket, grab some dollars… grab them seeds and plant it at the altar.”
Within seconds, the same parishioners who were whispering to each other about how pompous and rude Mr. Mone was were now trampling over each other to be the first at the altar.
“Move b*tch, get out the way,” said one elderly woman with a church hat made from real angel fur.
“No! You move, you old bag!” shouted a deacon, in response.
“Only a call from God can get people running to the altar,” shouted Mr. Mone, who did some sort of happy dance to celebrate his deception.
“Amen and Amen” replied Pastor Offering, who high-fived the prophet of the hour and told to audience to “dance like David” for God has spoken and his word rings true forever more!
DISCLAIMER: This article was satire and presented by Taboo™. Did you enjoy it? Share it, so others can, too.
Thanks for reading. Until next time, I’m Flood the Drummer® & I’m Drumming for JUSTICE!™
About Christopher “Flood the Drummer®” Norris
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